


She Doesn't Know

by wolfzaa



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Character Study, Flirting, Lily is confused, M/M, Marauders' Era, Pre-Relationship, The Prank (mentioned), There might be more chapters tho
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-15
Updated: 2017-10-15
Packaged: 2019-01-17 17:31:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,957
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12370566
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wolfzaa/pseuds/wolfzaa
Summary: “You can’t find anyone better than Hardwick, you know,” Lily said, her voice softened. “No offense, Remus, but you deserve better.  I don’t know why you still keep company with the lot like Black and Potter.  Hardwick is everything you could ever imagine--- No, he’s everythingeveryonecould ever want from a date!”"You’re right, he’s perfect.""Then why---"“He’s not broken, that’s why.”





	She Doesn't Know

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by the song "The Way I Loved You" by Taylor Swift.

 

Out of the four Marauders, Remus had the least possibility to be at the end of Lily Evans’s temper.  He was usually on her good side, but not always.

Like now.

“Remus, why have I just heard you turned down a date with Castor Hardwick?” She hissed at him when they walked into each other in the common room one evening. “I thought you liked him!”

“I quite like him,” Remus agreed.  He looked around and pulled the redhead to an empty corner, avoiding other Gryffindor students' attention. "Why am I feeling that you’re going to make this a big deal?”

“It _is_ a big deal,” Lily scowled. “Do you know how many people are dying just to have a chat with Hardwick?”

Remus raised his eyebrow. “Do you know how many people are dying just to have a study night with Sirius Black?”

Lily glared at him, both furiously and incredulously. “You ditched Castor Hardwick for _Black_ , of all people?  How could you---?” She stopped, took a deep breath to calm herself, which didn’t help one bit, and started again. “Please tell me you didn’t do just that.”

“I didn’t do just that,” Remus deadpanned.  Lily swore to God she had never wanted to strangle him this much before.

“I can’t believe you choose Black over him,” she muttered, shaking her head in defeat. “You’re insane, Remus.   _Insane_!”

Remus laughed. “I am.”

“You can’t find anyone better than Hardwick, you know,” Lily said, her voice softened. “No offense, Remus, but you deserve better.  I don’t know why you still keep company with the lot like Black and Potter.  Hardwick is everything you could ever imagine--- No, he’s everything _everyone_ could ever want from a date!”  
  
"You’re right, he’s perfect."  
  
"Then why---"  
  
“He’s not broken, that’s why,” Remus cut her off, clearly amused at the bewildered look on Lily’s face. “I have to admit, Lily, that I have issues.  Many of them.  If anything, I want someone who understands how it feels to have one too.”

“I can’t see how Black can---”

“If anything, I’d rather wake up at three in the morning, cry my eyes out, and scream at Sirius than talk about it with Castor in the morning like a civil person.  Because I know it’ll happen, that I won’t be able to hold back, and talking never helps.  As much as Castor tries to understand, he certainly can’t do what Sirius is capable of.”

Lily -- clearly didn’t expect the conversation to go this way -- frowned in confusion.  Remus gave her a small smile.  He wasn’t the type to date or have a normal relationship.  He just couldn’t, considering his conditions.  If Lily wanted to discuss about the topic, then she needed to know where Remus was coming from.

When she spoke again, her voice was high-pitched.

“Are we talking about the same Sirius Black here, or does he have a long lost twin with the same name I don't know about?”

Remus choked on his laughter this time.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Castor Hardwick might be a perfect date, but he was only a wizard.

He had his own flaws, of course, and the most prominent one was that he wasn’t a perfect match for Remus.

In other words, he wasn’t Sirius.

Shame.

Remus rewound (his mother was a muggle, so yes, he knew the word) his conversation with Lily that night.  Sirius was lying next to him on the floor by the common room’s fireplace, finishing his Transfiguration essay.  Remus ignored a huge textbook spreading in front of them and stole a glance at the Black heir.  His long hair fell gracefully over his eyes the way James’s, Remus’s, or Peter’s could never replicate.  Even Castor’s hair didn’t look as good, in which Sirius knew it and didn’t care in the slightest.

Remus realised that this was how Lily Evans saw him: too good-looking, too arrogant, and too full of himself.

Remus stifled a chuckle.  He couldn’t blame Lily for despising him.  Three quarters of her friends were infatuated with Sirius, and half of them were ‘toyed with’ one way or another, either Sirius actually dumped them or it was just a harmless flirt, or even a meaningless wink.  Castor had never done the same.  He was polite and sympathetic towards the unreciprocated love from his admirers.  He knew what to say and when to stop, while Sirius was simply rude and tend to take a step too far.

That was why Castor wasn’t the one who dared cross Remus’s line and drag him out of hell.

Then again, who would think Sirius would agree to have a study night with him?  Not Lily Evans, for the starter.  Sirius and studying sounded so wrong together.  Only a few people knew the real reason why he usually brushed it off like it was nothing; not because Sirius was born a genius, but he had read everything ages ago, back when he was locked inside his room or an attic before he hit the age of eleven.  It was easier to recall something you had read over and over again when you were young; they stuck.  Though the Black’s library didn’t contain everything they taught at Hogwarts, the concept was the same, with a not-so-little twist around the subject of dark magic.  Sirius, like James, was too smart for his own good.  All they needed was a glimpse of reading and they were among the top of most classes.

Yet, when Remus asked him to keep his company, Sirius complied.  He might act menace and pompous in front of everybody else by day, but by night, beside Remus, he was tamed and quiet.  Lily didn’t know Sirius like Remus did.

To her, Castor might be close to perfection: he was drop dead gorgeous, and though he wasn’t on the team, James often had him on the bench in case one of their chasers was injured.  He wasn’t one of the top students -- actually, Remus remembered he sucked at Charms and Potions -- yet most professors were fond of him, including Flitwick and Slughorn.  Remus could see why Lily was angry at him for turning the Gryffindor boy down.

He just wasn’t sure that Castor could laugh like Sirius, like a bark, like he meant it.

Castor had a pleasant laugh but he was also well-reserved.  Mischievous wasn’t one of his traits, nor was cruel.  As the heir of the house of Hardwick, another blood traitor defined by the Blacks, Castor played the perfect son who bore family’s pride and honour.  Unlike a rebel Sirius or an easygoing James, Castor stood proud, shoulders subtly tensed with pressure of being perfect.  Remus didn't think Castor had realised it.  If the werewolf didn’t bore a similar weight of being good himself, he wouldn’t notice it either.

However, Castor was whole.  He had his innocence along with pride and ego like a normal teenager.  If he fell facedown, he would break into pieces, while Sirius would just laugh -- like a bark -- like he meant to.  He would laugh and cry and scream and curse Merlin and Morgana just because he could.  Because he had nothing left to lose, growing up in the Noble House of Black like that.

Sirius would just simply flip it off, and Remus would irresistibly laugh along.

No, Remus decided.  He didn't think Castor could do just that.

He also didn't know how to make Lily understand; how Sirius got to him and crack his secret, how Sirius noticed him shivering at night and sneaked into his bed to keep him warm, how Sirius held him after a rough moon, or how Sirius turned into Padfoot and stayed… He didn’t know if he could explain to her how Sirius betrayed his trust, broke every promise, and fell onto his knees at Remus’s mercy.  Lily could never know Sirius, who refused to cry even during his worst nightmare, but unashamedly let his tears stream down his cheeks in fear and anger after Remus’s worst transformation; after the Prank.  She could never know Sirius, who would deny his vulnerability to the fullest extent, but unconditionally bared his soul to Remus.

How far Castor would go for him, Remus wondered.  How far would Castor go if he knew the truth, if he had seen everything, if he made the same mistake as Sirius?  Would he care enough to stay?  Would he be scared?  How much would he trust Remus with his life?

Remus remembered how Sirius had growled at him in tears on top of the Astronomy Tower, begging him to let go; how Sirius knew he didn’t deserve forgiveness.  Remus didn’t forgive him out of goodness’ sake, though.  He did because he knew exactly how it felt like to lose control to your own demon.  Remus wondered how far Castor would go in the same situation, how well anyone could cope with the deep-rooted cruelty in their bones the way Sirius did.

“What are you staring at?”

Remus’s head snapped up at Sirius’s amused voice.  The Black heir clearly had finished his essay and been doing funny things with his hands in front of Remus’s face for quite some time.  Remus rolled his eyes in mock exasperation.

“What would you say if I told you I finally fell for your irresistible charm?”

“I’d say your denial state is finally over and I’m glad you admit you’ve fallen for me for the longest time.”

Remus laughed. “So humble.  That’s _the_ reason why I love you.”

Sirius hummed.  His piercing grey eyes softened as he leaned in, whispered seductively, “If I were, would you fall for me for real?”

It was a joke.  They always flirted as though it meant nothing.  Castor wouldn’t do such things; he wouldn’t tease nor intentionally lead someone on.  Sirius would.  Sirius did.  Remus understood why Lily was concerned; he didn’t care anyway.

She didn’t know he was doing the same thing to Sirius.

“I wouldn’t,” Remus whispered back, chuckling. “Because you’d never be modest and I know that.”

“Hm-hm...”

“Remus?”

A deep voice came from above, cutting off any remark Sirius was going to shoot back.  Both boys looked up to the newcomer and found Castor smiling back at them.

“Hey,” Remus greeted. “How’s Hogsmeade?”

“Freezing,” Castor answered. “What are you guys doing?  I thought we didn’t have homework this weekend.”

“Nah, just a special treatment from McGee.  Don’t be jealous,” Sirius chimed in while looking at Castor from head to toe. “You come back pretty late.  Got a nice date?”

Castor tensed up a bit and Remus had to stop himself from smacking the back of Sirius’s head.  That insensitive bastard.  Remus couldn’t help but wonder if Sirius knew about his earlier rejection.

“No, I went with Frank and Joshua,” Castor answered politely, if awkwardly.  Remus felt bad for him.  It wasn’t Castor’s fault he didn’t have a date today, he just chose a wrong person to ask.  Remus swore he could still hear Lily’s voice yelling, _“You’re an idiot, Lupin!”_ in his head.

Perhaps he really was.

To some people, choosing between Castor and Sirius must be incredibly hard.  To them, it would be either peace or thrill.  Neat slicked back fair hair or long curtains of jet black locks.  Gentle brown eyes or witty cold grey.  An encouraging smile or a tempting smirk.  Play it safe and have a perfect date, or take a risk and be prepared to have a heartbreak.

To Remus, it was between a glimpse of an ordinary teenager's life, and a cold, hard truth that he would never have one.

Thus he smiled politely at Castor, leaned against the reminder of his reality, and stayed where he was.

Oh, Lily might be irritated by his choice, all right.  Let her.

 

**Author's Note:**

> This story could or could not be finished... I'm still not sure if there's gonna be a sequel or not. Anyways this is non beta and English is not my first language, so sorry for any error you might see here. Kudos and comments are always welcome. Thanks for reading! :D
> 
> (Btw, Thai version [หาอ่านได้ทางนี้เลยค่ะ](https://writer.dek-d.com/dekd/writer/viewlongc.php?id=1197067&chapter=86))


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